How To Improve Your Screaming in 6 Easy Steps
by An Angel in Darkness
Summary: Danny Gokey wants to learn how to scream. Adam Lambert knows how. Danny sucks at screaming. Adam doesn't. Danny is a newcomer. Adam has years of experience. BOTH get very frustrated.
1. Step 1: Get a Teacher

TV: "Dream On, Dream On, Dream On…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

(Danny presses 'mute'.)

Danny: Oh. My. God.

Adam: You're my friend and all, so no offense, but you sucked!

Allison: Oh, Adam, don't be a pervert, Danny isn't stupid, he knows he sucked!

Danny: Was it really that bad?

Adam: Yes.

Allison: Adam!

Adam: Well its true!

Danny: What did you think Kris?

Kris: Well, uh… Danny, I mean this honestly and truly. (puts hand on Danny's shoulder)…You sucked.

Danny: I guess I did…

Adam: Yep, you'd better start packing!

Allison: Shut up! How come you're so sure YOU'RE not going home tomorrow night?

Adam: Because I didn't suck!

Kris: He has a point…

(Adam blushes.)

Allison: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, and you were the BEST, Kris!

Kris: Yeah, I was!

Adam: I thought you said I was the best!

Kris: No, I just said that you didn't suck!

Danny: Kris, are you okay? Your kinda being a bitch.

Adam: WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

Danny: We weren't even looking at you at all!

Allison: Do you have something to do with this?

Adam: I COULDN'T RESIST, OKAY!!!

Allison: What did you do?

Adam: (softly) I gave him some crack…

Danny/Allison: WHAT?

Kris: Isn't it such a GREAT day? The sun is shining, the birds are chirping…I LOVE YOU ADAM!!!!!

(Kris jumps on Adam.)

Danny: Yeah, he definitely gave him some crack…

Adam: I could get used to this!

Allison: Ugh! I'm gonna baby-sit Kris for a little while. There's no telling what'll happen when that crack kicks in a little more…

Danny: Keep him away from the cleaning supplies. We don't need a repeat of the other time when Adam gave Kris crack and he made out with the mop.

Kris: Oh, mop! We have some unfinished business to take care of!

Allison: (groans.) You stay here and sulk about your crappy screaming. I'll be back soon.

Kris: Allie! I think I'm gay! Adam just felt me up, and I liked it!!! What am I gonna tell Katy and Moppy?

Adam: I could REALLY get used to this!

Allison: Come on, Kris…

Kris: MARSHMELLOWS!!!

(Allison and Kris leave.)

(Danny sighs and plays the scream back again.)

Adam: Dude, you need help. BIGTIME.

Danny: What do you mean?

Adam: I'm gonna teach you how to scream.

Danny: I don't think that's necessary, I'll just never scream again, and everything will be fine!

Adam: That's lesson one! Get over your fear! Let it all out!

Danny: Adam! YOU'RE NOT GIVING ME SCREAMING LESSONS!

Adam: Too bad. I already am!

Danny: Okay! Fine! My dignity is already gone! What else do I have to lose?

Adam: Great! Now…LET IT ALL OUT!

Danny: (not really screaming) Aah?

Adam: No, you idiot! Like this! *screams* Come on Danny, LET IT ALL OUT!

Danny: Okay, then…*screams*

Adam: Impressive. Wonderful. Amazing…But open your mouth wider!

(muffled sounds can be heard from Danny's mouth.)

Adam: What did you say?

Danny: (closes mouth) My mouth won't GO any wider!

Adam: Mine does!

Danny: You have raw talent…AND years of practice.

Adam: Then if you're ever gonna get good, we'd better start now. You aren't getting any younger!

Danny: I'm not THAT old!

Kris: (from the other room) ORANGE JUICE!!!

Adam: Never mind. We need to get to a place where you'll scream a lot.

Danny: (sarcastically) Oh, I know! You should push me off a building!

Adam: Hey, good idea!

Danny: I was kidding!

Adam: I wasn't.

Danny: So you're really gonna push me off of a building?

Adam: Yep!

Danny: What am I getting myself into?

Kris: A CONDOM!

Danny: Maybe we should check on Kris and Allison…

Adam: Yeah. (Yells to the other room.) WAS IT JUST ME OR DID KRIS JUST YELL 'A CONDOM'?

Allison: HE DID! I PUT THE TV ON TO TRY AND CALM HIM DOWN. A 'CAPITAL ONE' COMERCIAL CAME ON AND THEY ASKED HIM WHAT WAS IN HIS WALLET!!!

Danny/Adam: Oohh.

Allison: Oh my god. KRIS! GET AWAY FROM THAT MOP!!!

Kris: Oh, Moppy! We have a condom to use!


	2. Step 2: Motivation

Danny: Is it really necessary that you push me off of a building?

Adam: It's the best way to get motivation!

Danny: Motivation? You mean, like a REASON to scream?

Adam: Yeah! For example, I always think of Kris!

Danny: Kris makes you scream?

Adam: He's just so damn sexy!!!

Danny: Okay…I don't think that's gonna work for me…

Adam: Better yet, you can think of Kris when he's naked!

(Adam lets out a high-pitched squeal.)

Danny: You've seen Kris naked?

Adam: I walked in on him when he was in the shower! Of course I had to pick the lock and listen to his yelling at me, but It was SO worth it!!!

Danny: Uh, let's go with you pushing me off of a building…

Adam: (disappointed) Okay…if you REALLY don't like my idea…

Danny: Trust me. I don't want to use your idea.

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(On top of very, very, very, very, very tall building.)

Danny: Shouldn't I have a parachute or something?

Adam: Nope!

(Adam pushes Danny off of very, very, very, very, very tall building.)

Danny: AAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Five minutes later)

Danny: (still falling) You know, this isn't all that scary anymore. It's actually pretty fun!

(Five minutes later)

Danny: (still falling) Oh, crap! I've been thinking about what Adam said about Kris and…DAMN IT! NOW I HAVE BAD MENTAL IMAGES! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(one hour later.)

Danny: -AAAAAA!!! Geez, how tall is this thing! I know I said I'm not gonna look down, but I'm gonna have to…

(Danny looks down and sees a huge fan blowing upwards; keeping him from reaching the ground. Adam has a smug look on his face.)

Adam: Wow, It took you over an hour to figure it out! And I thought _I_ was stupid!

Danny: Oh my god, Adam, when I get down there I'm gonna-

Adam: (cutting him off) Scream?

Danny: That's actually what I was gonna say! I'm not afraid to scream anymore! I can let it all out and be proud of it! Adam, you're a freaking GENIUS!

Adam: I know! I rock, don't I?

(Adam leans on the side of the fan, accidentally pressing the 'off' button on the fan. Danny falls down, but Adam catches him.)

Danny: I take it back. You're a total RETARD! *screams* But thanks for catching me!

(awkward silence.)

Danny: Adam! You can put me down now!

(Adam stares blankly into Danny's eyes.)

Danny: Don't even think about it! There is NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL that you're gonna make me gay!

Adam: Shit! I thought it was working!

(Adam puts Danny down)

Adam: So, that completes Step Two: Motivation! The only downside is that now you'll scream at random, unnecessary times!

Danny: (frantic) I will!? *screams* Crap! You were right!

Adam: Every so often I am!

Danny: So what's next?

Adam: Step Three: Make it Last!

Danny: SO now I have to make my screaming _longer?_

Adam: Yep! Have you ever heard me actually trying?

Danny: I think so…

Adam: What are you talking about?

Danny: Huh?

Adam: You weren't there when I tried to make a studio version for 'Satisfaction'!

Danny: You had a studio version of 'Satisfaction'?

Adam: Well, I tried recording it, but I went into a ten-minute wild screaming rampage!

Danny: Uh, and WHY did you go into a wild screaming rampage?

Adam: That was the day that I found out that Kris was married…

Danny: Oh…

Adam: I also turned blue!

Danny: That's great…so how are you gonna make MY screams longer? I really don't give a crap that Kris is married.

Adam: You'll see!

Danny: Will I turn blue?

Adam: Probably.

Danny: WHAT!?


	3. Step 3: Make it Last

Danny: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

(20 seconds later)

Danny: -AAAAAAAAAA!

Adam: 22 seconds.

Danny: Is that bad?

Adam: No. It was TERRIBLE! You are more desperate than I thought!

Danny: I still don't understand how you're gonna make my screaming longer.

Adam: Duct tape!

Danny: Duct tape? Is Kris screaming random things again?

Kris: DUCT TAPE!

Adam: Yes and No. I am literally gonna use DUCT TAPE!

Danny: I don't get it.

Adam: Just sit down.

(Danny sits down in chair. Adam uses duct tape to tape him to said chair.)

Danny: *screams for 23 seconds* Why did you tape me to a chair?

Adam: So you would freak out and scream. Which you did.

Danny: Well, can you UN-tape me now?

Adam: No, I'm not done yet!

Danny: If you let me go, I'll…kiss you!

Adam: Tempting, but no.

Danny: If you let me go, I'll...pay Kris to kiss you!

Adam: VERY tempting, but I'll take a rain check.

Danny: Fine, what are you gonna do?

Adam: If you hold your breath, your lung strength improves and you can scream longer! So…

(Adam tapes Danny's nose and mouth closed.)

Adam: See! Now you can't breathe!

(Danny struggles to break free. He also starts to turn blue.)

Adam: Are you okay?

(Danny gets even bluer.)

Adam: Danny?

(Danny turns deep royal blue.)

Adam: OH MY GOD!

(Adam rips tape off of Danny's nose and mouth.)

Danny: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

(1 minute later.)

Danny: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! That hurt!

Adam: But you screamed for a longer time!

Danny: Hey, you're right!

Kris: ELEPHANTS!

Danny: Just out of curiosity, how much crack did you give him?

Adam: Two, maybe three pounds.

Danny: THREE POUNDS!

Adam: Yeah, I usually do four or five for myself, but the local crack dealer has swine flu, so I'm staying away from him until he gets better. Or dies.

Kris: BANANAS!

Allison: KRIS! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

Kris: LIPSTICK!

Allison: GET OUT OF ADAM'S ROOM!

Adam: Crap. I think he found my lipstick…

Danny: You wear lipstick?

Adam: Occasionally…

(Kris runs into the room with bright red lipstick all over his face.)

Kris: Don't I look preeeety?

(Adam and Danny scream in terror. Yes, Kris looks THAT BAD.)

Kris: I think so toooo!

(Kris runs away.)

Allison: COME BACK HERE!!!

Danny: I don't think that I can take this much longer. I don't think that Allie's lungs can either. When is he gonna be back to normal?

Adam: Not long. It should only be a couple days…or weeks…probably around two months.

Danny: You are a sick, sick person…

Adam: I know!

Kris: Hey, Allison! I found some really sexy pictures of me in Adam's drawer!

Adam: GIVE ME THOSE!

(Adam starts to chase after Kris.)

Kris: I found a box of tampons, too!

Adam: KRIS!!!

Allison: Adam! Those are mine!

Adam: Sorry…

Allison: What are you doing with a box of tampons, anyway?

Adam: Uh…nothing.

(Katy, Kris's wife, suddenly appears out of nowhere. Apparently, Allison asked her to come over and help baby-sit Kris.)

Katy: (to Adam) Are you the asshole that screwed up Kris?

Adam: Excuse me, but I IMPROVED him! He's gay now!

Katy: YOU ARE SO DEAD!

(Katy runs after Adam, ready to slap him. Adam runs back into the room where Danny is taped to the chair. He closes the door, and tries to block Katy from breaking in.)

Adam: Come on, Danny! Help me out here!

Danny: In case you haven't noticed, I'M TAPED TO A CHAIR!

Adam: Oh yeah…

(Katy breaks down the door, with Adam still trying to hold it up.)

Katy: All right! WHERE IS HE?

Danny: Under you.

(Katy looks down, and sure enough, Adam is under the door. She throws the door out of the way, and slaps Adam.)

Adam: *screams* OW!

Danny: Kris was right! You do have anger issues!

Katy: I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES!!!

(Katy slaps Danny.)

Danny: *screams for 2 minutes* OW!!! He was also right about you slapping really freaking HARD! Ow…

Kris: Moppy! She's on a riot! You might be next!

Katy: Moppy?

(Katy gives a loud battle cry, and runs out of the room, going to attack Moppy…a loud cracking sound is heard.)

Kris: MOPPY!!!

Katy: There! That'll teach you not to mess with my man!

(back in the room with Adam and Danny.)

Adam: About the tampons…I can explain…See,-

Danny: (cutting him off.) I don't even wanna know.

(awkward silence.)

Adam: Yeah…anyway, back to your screaming. I've noticed a trend.

Danny: What kind of trend?

Adam: Whenever you're in pain, you scream!

Danny: Okay…

Adam: And the more pain that you're in, the MORE you scream.

Danny: So you're gonna put me through massive pain to make my screaming longer…

Adam: Exactly! I have a few ideas…

Danny: Don't make it dramatic, just hit me with it…

Adam: Well…we could handcuff you to Katy…

Danny: NOOO! PLEASE!!! ANYTHING ELSE!!!

Adam: I could show you the pictures of me from the 'Rolling Stone' photo shoot.

Danny: Seriously, Adam? I'd rather be handcuffed to Katy.

Adam: Death by paper cuts?

Danny: Okay, now you're just being a bastard!

Adam: You know when you have one paper cut and it just stings SO badly? Imagine 20! Or 30!

Danny: I have an idea…

Adam: What?

Danny: We could watch Disney Channel!

Adam: Great idea! You'll feel like you're in hell in no time!

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(Hospital. Danny is lying in a bed with Adam by his side. Danny is moaning in pain and can barely talk.)

Adam: I think that we overdid it a little…

Danny: (hoarse) A little?

Adam: You lasted longer than I thought you would!

(Danny nods.)

Adam: I was screaming too when we watched 'JONAS', but when 'Hannah Montana' came on, that was it for you.

(Danny nods.)

Adam: So for our next lesson, I think that we should tone it down a little bit…

(Danny's eyes get wide. He knows what's coming.)

Danny: (hoarse) Oh no.

Adam: Oh yes!

Danny: (hoarse) Oh no.

Adam: Oh YES!!!

Danny: (hoarse) Oh no…

Adam: SHOPPING SPREE!!!


	4. Author's Note

Author's note-I apologize for not updating. I'm having a little bit of trouble with this new, long awaited chapter (Step 4: Look the Part). PM me if you have any suggestions, or else the new chapter will suck. And we don't want that, now don't we!


	5. Step 4: Look the Part, part 1

**This chapter is REALLY long, so this is only part 1!!! I would just like to give a HUGE thank you to strangerthanfictionclub, mamakitty01, and somebunnyelse for their awesome suggestions! Remember, I gladly accept suggestions, just PM me! **

(Hot Topic.)

Adam: OMG! Skinny jeans!

(Adam runs over to the skinny jeans.)

Adam: These are SO cool!

(Adam grabs a pair.)

Adam: NEON PINK TUTUS! Danny, you are going to look SEXY!

Danny: Wait, these are for ME?

Adam: (sarcastic.) No, these are for Allie! Of course they're for you! If you're gonna scream like me, you're gonna look like me, too!

Danny: Almost like a clone?

Adam: Yep! Only I'll always be cooler!

Danny: Adam…I'M NOT WEARING SKINNY JEANS!

Adam: But they're bootylicious…

Danny: I don't give a crap if they're bootylicious, bumtastic, or any other highly disturbing word involving asses you come up with next…I'M NOT WEARING SKINNY JEANS!!!

(awkward silence.)

Adam: So does this mean that you're turning down the tutu, too?

Danny: What do you think?

Adam: I think that you're thinking that I think that you think that maybe I think that you think that I think that you might think that I might think that you want to turn down the skinny jeans, but I also think that you think that I maybe might think that maybe you think that you might not think about turning down the tutu…I think…

Danny: Adam, just let ME do all of the thinking…

Adam: With pleasure. My brain hurts!

Danny: What the hell am I gonna do with you…

Adam: DANNY! OH MY GOD! THE UNDERWEAR SECTION!!!

(Adam runs over to the underwear section.)

Adam: Danny?

Danny: (bored and annoyed) Yeah?

Adam: What size bra do you wear?

Danny: I don't.

Adam: You don't wear a bra!?

Danny: No, Adam, I don't wear a bra.

Adam: No wonder…

Danny: No wonder what?

Adam: Nothing!

Danny: Whatever. We'd better get outta here fast. All of this fluorescent crap is making me wanna faint.

Adam: Yeah, you're right. If you stare at it for a while…

(Adam faints)

Danny: ADAM! *screams*

(Danny waves his hand in front of Adam's face.)

Danny: Oh my god, you bastard! When you wake up, I'm gonna-

Adam: Have sex with me?

Danny: NO! Gross! I was gonna say kill you, but…Adam! You're alive!

Adam: I am?

Danny: Yeah!

Cashier: Are you guys alright? I can call an ambulance, or security, or something else that you might need, cuz you're kinda scaring all of the customers away…

Adam: Oh, sorry…

Danny: Yeah, we're on our way out. We just need to pay for this stuff…

Cashier: JUST GET OUT!!!

(Adam and Danny run out.)

Adam: Geez, people are pushy these days…

(There is a pet store across from Hot Topic.)

Adam: PUPPIES!

(Adam runs over to the puppies, scaring many people away in the process. Adam goes right up against the glass display with two puppies inside.)

Adam: (weird voice.) Oh, you're so cute! You're so adorable! I wanna buy you! I'm gonna call YOU Puffball, and I'm gonna call YOU Fluffball!

Little Girl: *screams* Mommy! A weird man is looking at the puppies all funny…Do you think that he's gonna eat one?

Adam: (weird voice) But I'm not fooled by your cuteness and adorableness! I know that if I buy you, you'll just crap all over my floor! And that will not be good!

(Adam's phone rings. Adam searches for it in his pants. There are so many pockets that he can't remember which one has his phone in it.)

Adam's Phone: ADAM, YOU BASTARD!!! PICK UP YOUR GOD DAMN FUCKING PHONE!!! EITHER IT'S SOME BITCHY TELEMARKETER CALLING TO ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF YOU BY SELLING YOU SOME RANDOM SHITTY CRAP THAT YOU DON'T EVEN WANT!

Adam: Hey, I found five bucks in my pants!

Danny: Oh my god…

Adam's Phone: MAYBE ITS KRIS CALLING TO TELL YOU THAT HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX!!!

Adam: It's Allison. I'll put it on speaker…

EITHER WAY, JUST PICK UP YOUR-

(Adam answers phone.)

Adam: Allie! I told you not to call me when I'm around children! You know that my ringtone can be a little…aggressive.

Allison: (from phone) Children? Where are you?

Adam: The pet store!

Allison: (from phone) The pet store? I thought that you went to Hot Topic. How did you end up at the pet store?

Danny: It's a long story…

Adam: We got kicked out!

Allison: (from phone) Wait, is Danny there? DANNY went to Hot Topic?

Adam: Yep!

Danny: It's true…

Allison: (from phone) Is he, like, carrying your bags or something?

Adam: No, went shopping!

Allison: (from phone) Okay, if Danny went shopping in Hot Topic, then Katy doesn't have a secret crush on Adam.

Adam: Katy has a crush on me?

Katy: (from phone) I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON THAT OVERLY SEXY, TOTALLY HOT, SADLY GAY ADAM THAT YOU SPEAK OF!!!

Allison: (from phone) Told ya.

Danny: Speaking of Katy, how's Kris doing?

Allison: (from phone) Uh, that's sorta why I called…

Adam: What's wrong?

Allison: (from phone) I kinda…sorta…lost Kris…

Danny/Adam: WHAT!?

Adam: You LOST Kris?

Danny: How could you LOSE a PERSON?

Allison: (from phone) See, he started singing "Food, Glorious Food", so I figured that he was hungry. So, I went into the kitchen to get him something…

Danny: AND?

Allison: (from phone) After that, he started sobbing and reciting scenes from "Romeo and Juliet". But he changed them to "Kris and Adam"…

Adam: Is that all?

Allison: No. He then complained about missing his, uh…

Adam: What?

Allison: (from phone) his Snuggle bear…

Danny: Snuggle bear?

Allison: (from phone) Then he screamed, "I LOVE YOU, ADAM!" and I came in to make sure that he was okay, and he was gone…So I think that he's looking for you guys!

Adam: We'll keep our eyes open!

Danny: He shouldn't be gone long…

Allison: (from phone.) Thanks for the optimism…I have to go. Katy found your pictures from the "Rolling Stone" shoot…

Katy: Oh, SOO sexy…

Allison: Damn it. Now I have to put up with this crap…KATY! DON'T DO THAT!

(the line goes dead.)

Adam: I'm sorry to disappoint you, Danny, but we're gonna have to put this shopping spree on hold…

Danny: YES! I mean, oh no, I am so sad…

Adam: We have to make the sacrifice. Kris is out there somewhere and its own job to find him! (puts hands on hips like superhero.)

Danny: Come on, Mr. Skinny Jeans, save the drama for Broadway…

Adam: To Sephora!

Danny: Sephora? Isn't that a makeup store?

Adam: Yeah, its where I go whenever I'm high!


	6. Step 4: Look the Part, part 2

**********The love triangle idea is from strangerthanfictionclub!!! It's not mine, but I have special permission to use it!!!************

(Sephora.)

Adam: Okay, while we're here, we need to get five things; eyeliner, nail polish, black hair dye, blue hair dye, and Kris…

Danny: I understand that you wanna make me your clone and all that shit, but I'm wearing glasses, and your hair is BLACK, not BLUE…

Adam: Well, EXCUSE me, Danny, but I have two small streaks of blue! See!

(points to head.)

Danny: No, I don't.

Adam: Do you need me to get closer?

Danny: Uh…

(Adam gets really close to Danny.)

Adam: Can you see now?

Danny: Yes, I can see! Now GET AWAY FROM ME!

Adam: Nah, I like being close to you!

Danny: I don't!

Adam: (reluctant.) Fine…

(Adam backs away from Danny.)

Kris: Do you know where I can find a new mop?

Adam: Ha! I knew it! He's here!

Danny: Are you sure? He seems kinda calm…

Kris: BUBBLES!

Danny: On second thought, yeah, that's Kris.

Cashier: For the last fucking time, WE DON'T SELL MOPS!

Adam: Crap. Am I REALLY that annoying when I'm high?

Danny: Well…

Adam: Okay, don't answer that!

Cashier: You know what; if you really want a freaking mop, go to the supply closet!

Kris: Thanks! I really appreciate it.

Cashier: I HATE these new janitors…

(Adam's phone rings.)

Adam's Phone: ADAM, YOU BASTARD!!! PICK UP YOUR-

(Adam answers phone.)

Adam: Hello?

Allison: (from phone) Did you find him?

Katy: (from phone) Allie! Can I borrow a tampon?

Allison: (from phone) Hold on, Katy! I'm on the phone with Adam right now!

Katy: (from phone) Adam?

(Katy steals phone from Allison.)

Katy: (from phone) Hi, Adam! What's up? Did you get my note?

Adam: What note?

Katy: (from phone) The one that I left in your pants!

Danny: You left a NOTE in Adam's PANTS?

Katy: (from phone) Yeah! That's what I just said!

Adam: So that wasn't five bucks…

Katy: (from phone) Nope! Did you read it?

Adam: No…hold on a sec.

(Adam searches through his pants and finds Katy's note.)

Adam: madA sevol ytaK?

Danny: Turn it around!

Adam: Katy loves Adam?

Katy: (from phone) Yep! And I do! So, sexy ass, what else is up?

Danny: (sarcastic) Now that's just minorly disturbing…

Adam: Uh, Danny and I found Kris…

Katy: (from phone) I don't care about Kris! I CARE ABOUT YOU! What's up with YOU?

Danny: Wait, if you don't care about Kris, then why did you MARRY HIM!

Katy: (from phone) I was bored with life! So I figured instead of killing him right when I met him, I would wait and make it all dramatic!

Danny: So you wanna kill your own husband?

Katy: (From phone) Well its gotta be someone! How else am I gonna get the vital nutrients that human blood contains!

Danny: So you want his blood?

Katy: (from phone) Crap! I can't believe I just let that slip!

Adam: If you even lay a FINGER on the love of my life, YOU'RE GONNA LOSE YOURS!

Katy: So if I kill Kris, you'll become suicidal?

Adam: Well I can't live without him, so…

Danny: Hey, This happened in a book that Sophia read! What was it called? I think it was 'Twilight'.

Adam: Sophia? Isn't that your wife?

Danny: Was…

Adam: Oh. Did Katy suck her blood out?

Danny: No, she…wait a second. Did you?

Katy: (from phone) That was your WIFE?

Danny: So you did?

Katy: (from phone.) (lying very badly) Uh…no?

Danny: KATY! How could you? *starts to cry*

(Allison steals phone back from Katy)

Allison: (from phone) And STAY OUT! What'd I miss?

Danny: Katy is a bloodthirsty murderer!!!

Allison: (from phone) I know! You guys should've seen Adam's pictures after she was finished um…"looking" at them…somebody needs to tell that girl that trying to have sex with a picture doesn't usually work out so well… So anyway, did you find Kris?

Adam: Yes, actually we did. He's in a janitor's closet inside Sephora.

Allison: (from phone) Good. I'm starting to get kinda scared being alone here with Katy…

Katy: (from phone) PIE!

Allison: Crap. She found some crack…Damn do I NEED to keep her out of Adam's room!

(The line goes dead.)

Danny: Wow. Now THAT is a love triangle…

Adam: Huh?

Danny: Well, you love Kris, Kris loves Katy, and Katy loves you! It's an ACTUAL love TRIANGLE!!! It's not like those crappy V's everyone tries to use!

Adam: We are SO telling Kris about this…

Kris: (from closet) Adam, Adam, where art thou Adam?

Adam: Right here! (runs into closet)

Danny: On second thought, it actually is a V…(reluctantly walks into closet.)

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(closet. Kris is lying on the floor, crying. Adam is trying to help, but is only making everything worse…)

Adam: Aww…poor Kris…do you miss Moppy?

Kris: Well, (sobs) now that you mention him…(bursts into hysterical tears)

Danny: Adam, I'm gonna give you some advice.

Adam: Yea?

Danny: I don't mean to seem like a bitch, but, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Adam: Okay…

Danny: Don't cry, Kris. I know that you miss Moppy, but we can go to Target and get you another mop!

Kris: (between sobs) BBBBut thattt onlyy sssolvesss hhalfff offff myy sexualllll nnneedddsssss…

Danny: Half?

Adam: I help with the other half!

Danny: Well…what other problems do you have, Kris?

Kris: First, I miss Moppy, but you already know that. Next, I missed Adam, too, but he's here now so that's not a problem anymore...

Danny: Do you have any problems NOW?

Kris: Yeah…the crack wore off and Michael Jackson died!

(Kris starts to cry again.)

Danny: I have good news and bad news for ya! Good news; I can solve your mop problem and knowing Adam, he can solve your crack problem!

Adam: And the bad news?

Danny: I thought I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Adam: You did! I think Katy's anger issues have rubbed off on you…

Danny: (super angry) I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES!!! Anyway, back to the bad news…I hate to break it to you, Kris, but there is a really good chance that Michael Jackson isn't coming back from the dead…

(Kris goes into hysterics.)

Kris: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! *screams*

Adam: And you told ME to shut the fuck up…

Danny: Adam, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Wow, maybe Katy's anger issues HAVE rubbed off on me…

Adam: Come on, Kris. Stop crying! I'll go to Target RIGHT NOW! I'll get you a NEW Moppy! One that's even better than the first!

Kris: I don't want another mop, I WANT MOPPY!!!

Adam: Hey, aren't the remains of Moppy back at the mansion? All we need to do is glue them back together and Moppy will be good as new!

Danny: Great idea! Wait, didn't Katy burn them?

Adam: Oh yeah…

Kris: *Screams* MMMMMMMOPPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Adam: Kris! Guess what!

Kris: What?

Adam: I just remembered that the Godiva store is open!

Kris: How does chocolate solve my problems?

Adam: Apparently, Katy finished all of my crack, so there's nothing else to get high off of but chocolate!

Kris: Okay, let's go!

Danny: Adam! Why couldn't you think of that FIVE GOD DAMN MINUTES AGO!?

Adam: It's official. You have anger issues…


	7. Step 4: Look the Part, part 3

(Nail Salon. Adam and Danny are getting manicures/pedicures. Kris is getting acquainted with his new mop.)

Danny: You know what, Adam, that was really nice of you to take Kris to Godiva.

Adam: Yeah, well it was pure GENIUS of YOU to take him to Build-a-Mop!

Danny: He DID really enjoy it…

Kris: (to mop) So, Mopette, do you miss Moppy as I do? Moppy was so…*sobs*…giving and…loving as…*sobs*…an individual…

Danny: Mopette? THAT'S the name he came up with?

Adam: What? I think its kinda sexy!

(Manicurist is staring at Adam.)

Manicurist: Why the hell didn't I just go to college! I wouldn't have to deal with this crap…

Adam: It turns out that Mopette is actually Moppy's half-sister!

Danny: Interesting…

(The manicurist raises her eyebrows.)

Manicurist: Damn these celebrities and their illegal drugs…

Adam: It's not what you think!

Manicurist: *laughs* Oh yeah, and I still believe in Santa Claus!

Danny: So Adam, I just have one question…

Adam: Yeah?

Danny: Kris claims that the crack wore off, right?

Adam: Yeah, it did. That's why I took him to Godiva, remember? *gasps* OMG, Danny, DO YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS!?

Danny: No… At least I don't think so…

Kris: RAINBOWS!

Adam: I have to make sure you're alright! Okay, what did Kris just scream?

Danny: Rainbows…

Adam: OH MY GOD, DANNY, YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS!!!

Danny: I don't have short term memory loss!

Adam: I know!

Danny: Well why did you just "test" me for it!

Adam: I did?

Danny: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! ADAM HAS SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Manicurist: I should've just taken the job at McDonald's…

Danny: Anyway, back to my question. If the crack that you gave Kris wore off, then why is he still attracted to mops…and you…

Adam: Its an aftereffect! It'll go away in a few years...I think…

Danny: So its possible that Kris is permanently…you know…fucked up?

Adam: Yep! That's DEFINETLY a possibility!!!

Danny: Katy is going to freaking kill you…

Manicurist: I am SO not getting paid enough for this…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at mansion.)

Danny: Well that shopping trip was nearly pointless!

Adam: What do you mean?

Danny: Well, we barely got any shopping done. All we did was get our nails done, get high, and chase after Kris!

Kris: DUCKY!

Allison: KRIS! STOP HUMPING THAT DUCK!

Kris: Oh, Mopette, don't you think that I look sexy when I'm humping rubber ducks?

Danny: Should we tell her that Kris is permanently fucked up?

Adam: Nah, give her a chance to cool down a bit. Her face is redder than her hair…and she JUST got it re-dyed…

Allison: YOU BASTARD! I'M GONNA GET YOU!!!

Kris: Hey! This is fun! I feel sexy!

Allison: KRIS! PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!!!

(awkward silence.)

Adam: Well, since you didn't buy any clothes, I guess you're gonna have to try to fit into mine!

Danny: Oh, crap…

Katy: Oh, Adam! I finished um…"looking"…at your pictures! Now its time for the real thing!

Adam: Oh, crap is right…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Adam's room. Danny is trying to fit into Adam's skinny jeans.)

Danny: Damn! These are tight!

Adam: Just the way I like 'em!

Danny: They're so LONG, though…

Adam: I'm over SIX feet tall, Danny! Of COURSE, my legs are long! Geez…use your BRAIN for once!

Danny: Yeah, and YOU'RE telling ME?

Adam: That's what I JUST said! Don't tell me that in addition to having anger issues and short-term memory loss, you're DEAF, too?

Danny: I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES!!! Hmm, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to zip these up…

Adam: Here, lemme help you…

Danny: NO! No way! I'm a big boy, Adam, I can zip up my own pants!

Adam: Well, technically you can zip up MY pants…

Danny: Oh, you know what I mean! I think…

(Danny tries to zip up pants.)

Danny: Oh, crap…

(Danny tries to zip up pants a second time.)

Danny: *screams* What the hell?

(Danny tries a third time.)

Danny: *screams* Damn it!

Adam: What?

Danny: Apparently, your ass is small!

Adam: Either that, or yours is big…

Danny: I am NOT fat! I work out every day!

Adam: So do I…

Danny: You know what, Adam?

Adam: Yeah?

Danny: You piss me off…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bathroom.)

Danny: No.

Adam: Yes.

Danny: No!

Adam: Yes!

Danny: NO!

Adam: YES!

Danny: There is no fucking way I'm going to wear eyeliner…

Adam: Come on, Danny! You HAVE to! How are you supposed to look the part if you don't even wear makeup!

Danny: I'm sure I can manage!

Adam: You're wearing eyeliner…I don't care how much crap you give me…you're wearing eyeliner…

(silence.)

Danny: Okay…I'll do it…

(Adam hands Danny a tube of eyeliner. Danny tries to apply it.)

Danny: *screams* OW! CRAP! I FUCKING STABBED MYSELF IN THE EYE WITH YOUR BITCHY COSMETICS!!!

Adam: Ugh! Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you!?

(Adam finishes applying eyeliner.)

Danny: OW! OW! OW! It BURNS!

(Danny's eye starts to water.)

Adam: Danny! Don't cry! You'll screw up the eyeliner!

Danny: Ow…It hurts...

Adam: Cry baby!

(Danny continues to scream in pain. 5 minutes later…)

Danny: Okay…the pain is gone… (Puts on glasses.) How do I look?

(Eyeliner is all over Danny's face.)

Adam: Hmm…I just have one critique…

(Adam takes Danny's glasses off. He steps on them.)

Adam: All better!

Danny: *screams* ADAM! Those were my freaking RED GLASSES!!! I NEED those! They were my favorite pair…I mean, I ALREADY had to replace them this month when Matt sat on them!*

Adam: Wait…don't you have another pair?

Danny: *gasps* I'm DANNY GOKEY! Not some freaking' WANNABE! Of COURSE I have more glasses!!! I have, like, 50 PAIRS!

Adam: Okay, then why do you look pissed? Just get another pair from your collection…

Danny: Adam, you've gone too far this time…

(Danny takes Adam's eyeliner tube and flushes it down the toilet.)

Adam: Danny Gokey, you are a bastard.

Danny: What? Just go out to Wal-Mart and get some more… no big deal…

Adam: *gasps* I'm ADAM LAMBERT! Not some fucking WANNABE! I HAVE more eyeliner. I have, like, 50 TUBES!

Danny: 50? Where the hell do you KEEP them all?

Adam: (hesitant) Places…

(Danny walks into his room to get more glasses. He comes back three glasses cases.)

Danny: Okay, I need you to help me pick out a new pair for today. Which looks best with my outfit? These?

(Danny opens one case only to find it full of eyeliner tubes.)

Danny: What the hell?

(Danny opens another case. It is full of eyeliner tubes.)

Danny: Oh my fucking god.

(Danny opens the last case. It is full of eyeliner tubes.)

Danny: ADAM! WHERE ARE MY GLASSES!

Adam: They…um…

Danny: WHAT?

Adam: Ran away?

Danny: TELL ME THE TRUTH!

Adam: They had the same fate as the red ones…

Danny: BASTARD!!!

*See _Mad World _


	8. Step 5: Practice Makes Perfect, part 1

*****This chapter might give away a little bit of the new Harry Potter movie! If you care about knowing a tiny bit about what's gonna happen…don't read it! I don't want to be yelled at for it!!!*****

Adam: So now that you "Look the Part", there's only one thing left to do!

Danny: Well, it can't be worse than all of the other crap you've put me through.

Adam: Step 5: Practice Makes Perfect! To complete this step-

(Danny cuts Adam off.)

Danny: Don't tell me. I SAW the iron maiden in the basement.

Adam: What the hell is an iron maiden?

Danny: It's some old torture device from medieval times or something. Wait, if you don't even KNOW what an iron maiden IS, then you can't be torturing me with it!

Adam: I know. I have my own method of making you practice.

Danny: OH MY FUCKING GOD, ADAM! DON'T MAKE ME WATCH DISNEY CHANNEL AGAIN!!!

Adam: Don't worry, we're not watching Disney Channel again. Even _I _couldn't take the pain…

Danny: So if you're not using an iron maiden, and we're not going to watch Disney Channel, then what ARE we doing?

Adam: We're going to a strip club!

Danny: A…a…a…a…

Adam: Strip club. You know, where I get drunk and sexy people take off all of their clothes! We can't go to the one with guy strippers, though…

Danny: A…a…a…strip club? Adam, I don't think that it's such a good idea…

Adam: Well, I wanted to go the one with guy strippers, but we can't! Allison rented it out for a party she's having tonight! Kay let her have the night off from babysitting so she could torture Kris…

Danny: Oh…so THAT's what the iron maiden is for!

(silence.)

Danny: I feel REALLY bad for Kris. First, he gets permanently fucked up by a gay retard and then his wife wants to have him bleed to death in an iron maiden…

Adam: Oh…so THAT's what that iron maiden thingy does! We should put KATY in there! OH, even better…MILEY CYRUS!!!

Danny: Okay…so tonight instead of going to that silly strip club…we can shove Miley Cyrus and Katy into an iron maiden! Sounds like fun, right?

Adam: OH! We should shove Draco Malfoy in there too! I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with Allie on Saturday! My fave part was when Ron had Romilda Vane's love potion! He fell off a couch! I peed in my pants a little when that happened!

Danny: Great…

Adam: I LOVED the part when Malfoy was cryin' cuz he couldn't kill Dumbledore! Then Bellatrix Lestrange was like, "Come on, Draco! DO IT!" Oh! I made up a song about him! Wanna hear it?

Danny: No…

Adam: Okay! Here it goes…*clears throat* I wanna set the world on fire! To make sure Draco Malfoy dies! He is so evil but he's not, And when he cries he's really hot! Whaddya think?

Danny: It sucked.

Adam: Oh…Well then I went to Hot Topic and got a Rupert Grint t-shirt! Then we went to Claire's cuz I needed new earrings and Allie got these REALLY cool fishnet arm socks! And THEN-

Danny: Wait, Adam, you SHOP at CLAIRE'S!?

Adam: Why, is that a problem?

Danny: That's a GIRL's store!

Adam: Everyone says the same thing about Bebe! I get all of my belts there!

Danny: Oh my god…

Adam: And THEN we went to see Allie's friend Caylee's play! There was a REALLY hot guy there who played the doctor and I practically STALKED him when Caylee took us backstage!

Danny: Nice to know…

Adam: I think his name was Shane…or Scott …Shawn? …maybe Sam… I can't remember! He had short brown hair, and the CUTEST caramel highlights! And-

Danny: I REALLY DON'T GIVE A CRAP, ADAM!

Adam: Oh…

(Awkward silence.)

Adam: Hey, wait a second!

Danny: What?

Adam: Weren't we gonna do something tonight?

Danny: NO!

Adam: Yeah…it was…hmm…go to a strip club, right!?

Danny: Oh, shit…

Adam: Yeah! It was! Let's go!

Danny: NO!!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! PLEASE!

Adam: Oh, screw you, scaredy cat!

Danny: Bitch…

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(Mansion. Morning. Danny and Adam have come back from strip club.)

Danny: Well, last night was the worst experience of my life…

Adam: What? It thought it was a blast!

Danny: You were drunk the whole time!

Adam: No I wasn't! Well, you didn't scream a lot, so I guess it WAS a waste of time…There weren't even any guy stripers…

Danny: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?

Adam: There were guy strippers!?

Danny: I SCREAMED MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!

Adam: Just like now?

Danny: No, a lot worse, dumbass!

Adam: I don't believe you! Give me examples!

Danny: I screamed in the limo on the way there…

Adam: Well I heard that…

Danny: Then you drank six beers, and I screamed then, too!

Adam: I drank SIX beers?

Danny: Yeah! Then you were drunk!

Adam: No I wasn't! You were just hallucinating!

Danny: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure I was "hallucinating" when I saw Kris there, too, right?

Adam: KRIS WAS THERE!?

Danny: You should know. You made out with him for an hour. And I screamed for the same hour and an extra thirty minutes afterwards…

Adam: Why an extra thirty minutes?

Danny: Because you also ran around kissing every stripper in the entire club…

Adam: I WAS DRUNK, OKAY!

Danny: So the truth comes out…

Adam: Was that all?

Danny: Almost. I was too busy screaming to realize that you were still drunk when you drove us back here…

Adam: Oh…What happened?

Danny: You ran over three nuns before crashing into a tree…

Adam: IS MY CAR OKAY?

Danny: No. I had to call Katy to pick us up…And then I had to help her drag you inside.

Adam: Why did you have to drag me inside!?

Danny: You fell asleep.

Adam: Oh…

(awkward silence.)

Adam: Well...today's a new day! How do YOU wanna practice today?

Danny: How about something…fun...yet legal!

(Adam starts laughing hysterically.)

Adam: HAHAHAHA! FUN YET LEGAL!!! HAHAHA! OH THAT'S FUNNY!!!

Danny: What?

Adam: Danny, nothing that's legal is fun! That's why it's legal! Cuz it's not fun!

Danny: Oh come ON! We could…wait that's not legal…How about…that's not legal either…Oh! I know! We could…wait a second…That's not even fun!

Adam: So what are you're other ideas…

(Danny sighs.)

Danny: I guess we're stuck watching Disney Channel…


	9. Step 5: Practice Makes Perfect, part 2

(Adam and Danny are watching Disney Channel.)

T.V.: (voice of Miley Cyrus.) You get the limo out front, hot styles every shoe, every color. Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun…

Danny: AAAAAH! Oh the horror!!!! IT'S SO…CRAPPY!

Adam: OH MY GOD! IT FUCKING _BURNS!!!_

Danny: CHANGE THE DAMN CHANNEL!

(Adam changes the channel. The television is showing a commercial for a carnival.)

T.V.: Hey you, yeah you, the cry baby who can't handle Disney Channel.

Adam: OH MY GOD!!! THE T.V. IS TALKING TO ME!!!

Danny: Adam, I'm gonna give you some advice.

Adam: Yeah?

Danny: Shut the fuck up.

T.V.: Are you going to be bored today? Will you be sitting there on the couch hanging out with a gay guy doing absolutely nothing but wasting time?

Danny: Oh, you have NO idea…

T.V: Well, come to the Los Angeles annual town carnival!

(Danny presses 'mute'.)

Danny: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Adam: Well, I usually don't do a lot of thinking…but I'm thinking that we NEED to stop watching Disney Channel…

Danny: I WAS gonna say that we should go to that carnival to practice, but now I'm thinking that you NEED to get your brain checked!

Adam: I already did. Last week to be exact. The doctor x-rayed my head and found nothing!

Danny: Why the hell am I not surprised…

T.V.: And now back to Hannah Montana…

Adam: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! IT'S SO HORRIBLE!

Danny: OH THE TERROR! ITS SO SHITTY!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam: OH MY FUCKING GOD! STOP THE RIDE! THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH!!! *screams* AAAAAAAAAH!

(The ride ends and Adam gets off.)

Danny: I don't even know what to say…

Adam: What? That ride was scary!

Danny: It was the god damn MERRY-GO-ROUND!!!

Adam: Well I was scared…Oh, and can I have five bucks?

Danny: Why?

Adam: I don't have any money, and I wanna buy lunch…I'm hungry!

Danny: Fine…

(gives Adam five bucks)

Danny: Well what's next?

Adam: The Spinning Teacups, the Kitty Koaster, or the Circle of Death!

Danny: How about something…hmm…I don't know…FUN?

Adam: *laughs* There's nothing FUN here!

Danny: What do you mean?

Adam: It's all legal…

Danny: Well, the Circle of Death sounds good to me!

Adam: But I wanna ride the Kitty Koaster!!!

Danny: I want a million dollars, a huge mansion, my own brand of glasses, and you to be a MAN for once! LET'S GO!

(Danny pulls Adam towards the Circle of Death. It is a huge roller coaster ending in a huge loop that goes around many times…backwards.)

Adam: Oh my god…

Danny: This thing has to be at LEAST 50 feet tall!

Adam: It's…huge…

(Adam walks forward to get a better look at the ride. He unknowingly crashes into a sign.)

Adam: OW!

Danny: (reading sign.) Welcome to the Circle of Death. Max Height: 51 feet.

Adam: OMG…

Danny: I am so PUMPED!

Adam: I'm not so sure I wanna go on…

Danny: Why? I don't care if it's legal, you gotta admit it, it DOES look fun!

Adam: I think we should…get warmed up first!

Danny: Warmed up? It's fucking 90 degrees out here! I think we're warmed up enough…

Adam: No, I mean like riding other rides so we can…build up the suspense?

Danny: Okay! Sounds good to me! So what do you wanna ride?

Adam: The Kitty Koaster!

Danny: No!

Adam: I'll be your best friend…

Danny: Isn't Allie your best friend?

Adam: I'll give you five bucks!

Danny: Well…Hey! You don't even HAVE five bucks!

Adam: How did you know?

Danny: Because you said you didn't have any money!

Adam: Yea, but then you gave me five bucks!

Danny: So you're just gonna give it back?

Adam: ONLY if you let me ride the Kitty Koaster!

(awkward silence.)

Danny: Fine…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Line for the Kitty Koaster.)

Adam: Crap. Shit. Fuck.

Danny: What the hell are you doing?

Adam: Well, I'm afraid that this might be too scary for me…

Danny: Here we go again…

Adam: So I'm getting all of the cursing out of my system now rather than yelling something out loud on the ride…

Danny: Oh…

Adam: Ass. Bitch. Bastard.

Danny: And you say that Kris is fucked up…

Kris (From ride) OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT LIKE HELL IN HERE! TURN THIS DAMN SHITTY CRAP RIDE OFF! YEAH, YOU! BASTARD GUY WITH THE BIG ASS THAT'S OPERATING THIS BITCHY RIDE! TURN IT OFF!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Hospital. Danny is in a bed while Adam is trying to comfort him.)

Danny: Why the hell am _I _the one who ends up in the hospital…

Adam: I TOLD you not to ride it!

Danny: Well, how was I supposed to know I was gonna fall out!

Adam: At least I caught you…

Danny: *laughs* Ow… It hurts to laugh…You didn't catch me, Adam. Your head broke my fall…Did you ever notice how HARD it is? It gave me a huge bruise on my ass!

Adam: Well, since I don't have a brain, I guess it's all solid awesomeness all shoved into my head!

Danny: *laughs* (Sarcastic) Ouch…and yeah…SURE! It's all solid…awesomeness…

Adam: Well at least you made it through Step 5…There's only ONE left…

Danny: Oh my god…really? I'm gonna miss screaming lessons…

*****Oh my god…it's true…THERE'S ONLY ONE STEP LEFT!!! *cries* Well, I AM thinking about a sequel…I totally appreciate the support I've been getting and hope that I have saved the best for last! I'll tell you now…the last chapter might be a little confusing because I actually incorporate me and my friends in it…Just to give you a hint! I am sure about doing an epilogue, though. It's a joint funeral for Moppy and Adam's crack dealer who died of swine flu… (read step...3? I think…)*****


	10. Step 6: Show Your Stuff, part 1

*****OMG…This is it…the LAST step…*cries* Well I've decided that I'm definitely doing a sequel, I would NEVER leave all the fans of this Fic without a new story! It MAY take a while for me to develop the plot and main idea, but Mad World might be updated soon, and that is a sorta similar. I might just expand this one by adding more steps or making more of an ending, but I promise I WILL update!!!*****

(Mansion. Adam is setting up chairs, almost as if it was for a performance.)

Danny: (Seeing Adam) Uh, Adam…why are all of these chairs here?

Adam: (smiling) You'll see!

Danny: Oh, I don't wanna stick around and see!

(Danny tries to leave. Adam runs up against the door.)

Adam: Oh, no you don't!

Danny: What?

Adam: Well, you might wanna sit down for this one…

Danny: I don't care. Just tell me!

Adam: (hesitant.) They're for Step 6…

Danny: And what would that be?

Adam: Step 6 is…show your stuff. So I invited a couple of Allie's friends over here to listen to you scream…

(Danny faints.)

Adam: Oh, shit…

(Adam tries to wake Danny up.)

Adam: Danny? Are you alive? Dude?

(Danny mutters something. Adam gets closer to him to hear what he is saying.)

Adam: What did you say?

Danny: (screaming at the top of his lungs) OF COURSE I'M ALIVE, DUMBASS!!!

(Adam clutches his ear and backs away from Danny.)

Adam: I think I'm deaf…

Danny: I CAN'T BELIVE YOU WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO _INVITE ALLIE'S FRIENDS OVER!!! _

Adam: What? Did you want me to invite YOUR friends over? Well, okay then! I'll call Jamar!

(Adam takes out his cell phone.)

Danny: YOU BITCH! _DON'T_ CALL JAMAR!!!

Adam: Oh, you want me to _text_ him? Well, I don't know if it makes a difference, but…

(Adam starts to text Jamar.)

Danny: STOP!

(Adam gets call from Allie.)

Adam's Phone: ADAM, YOU BASTARD! PICK UP YOUR GOD DAMN FUCKING PHONE! MAYBE ITS SOME BITCHY TELEMARKETER CALLING TO ANNOY THE HELL OUT O-

(Adam picks up phone.)

Adam: Hey, Allie!

Allison: (from phone) Hi, Adam! Me and my friends are on our way over!

Adam: Cool. Danny's having a panic attack!

Danny: FUCK YOU, ADAM!

Adam: I think he's nervous…

Allison: (from phone) Okay…well see you in a little while, 'kay?

Adam: Alright!

(Adam hangs up.)

Danny: I can't wait until Katy gets here…

Adam: OMFG! KATY'S COMING? _HIDE ME!_

Danny: I'm gonna make her murder you…

(Allison, two other girls walk in.)

Allison: HEY, guys! I brought my friends!!!

Caylee: (Allison's friend.) Hi…WHERE'S KRIS!?!?!?

Danny: Obsessed, much…

Adam: OMG STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!

Caylee: It's ON you gay retard! I HATE Kradam! Well, mostly the 'adam' part, but IT'S A CRAPPY PAIRING, OKAY!

Angel: (Allison's friend.) I only came 'cuz I heard Gookey was here…

Danny: Gookey?

Angel: It's your super sexy nickname…

Adam: Oh! That's a good idea! I should give Kris a sexy nickname!

Caylee: Uh, EXCUSE ME, Adam, but the love of his life should give him one…

Adam: Yeah, I just said I would!

Caylee: NO! ME YOU DUMBASS!

Adam: Wow, you were right, Danny…everyone DOES call me a dumbass…

Angel: So…are we gonna get this show started or what?

Adam: Okay!

Danny: Well, I need to get changed and warmed up and…

Angel: Oh, don't worry, baby, you do your thing and we'll wait!

Danny: Uh…thanks?

Angel: You're always welcome! (blows Danny a kiss)

(Danny leaves.)

Allison: Oh, Adam! I have news!

Adam: MILEY CYRUS DIED! NO WAY LET'S HAVE A PARTY INSTEAD OF A FUNERAL!!!

Allison: No, Adam…as nice as that would be…Miley Cyrus didn't die…yet… Anyways…do you remember Scott, that guy you were crushing on from Caylee's play?

Adam: Oh, DO I EVER!!! I had a dream about him last night! We met, fell in love, and THEN-

Allison: ADAM! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Caylee: Wait! You have a crush on Scott! I'm already in a fight over him with Angel!

Angel: *laughs* Oh, its HARDLY a fight! You know that if he randomly broke with Amy, his girlfriend, you know he'd date ME over YOU!

Caylee: YOU BITCH! SHUT UP! I'M FIGHTING WITH ADAM RIGHT NOW!!!

Angel: Oh, you just don't want to admit that I'm right…

Caylee: GO HUMP A TREE, WHORE! Now where was I…first Kris, now Scott…oh its official, Adam Lambert, I don't really give a shit about how incredibly sexy you are…I HATE YOU!

(Katy runs into the room with a frying pan in her hands, ready to throw it at someone.)

Katy: OKAY, WHO THE HELL JUST CALLED MY ADDYKINS SEXY!

Caylee: Not me…Oh shit…I did…

(Katy 'calms down'.)

Katy: ('calm') Oh, well can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

Angel: CAYLEE! DON'T DO IT! SHE'S A VAMPIRE!

Katy: What a silly, silly girl…

Caylee: Vampires don't even EXIST!

(Katy takes Caylee into the kitchen. Screaming, stabbing, and punching can be heard form the kitchen. Katy, but not Caylee, comes out with a bloody knife.)

Katy: Dim-witted bitch…Well, she got what she deserved…

(Katy leaves again.)

Allison: Awkward, much…Anyways, AS I WAS SAYING…Scott's here!

Adam: OH MY FUCKING GOD! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL! ALLIE, I THINK I LOVE YOU FOR THIS!!!

(Adam hugs…more like tackles…Allison…)

Allison: There's just one thing…

Adam: What?

Allison: His girlfriend, Amy, is here, too…

(Adam gets away from Allie.)

Adam: Well, get her out! Tell her to fuck off or something!

Allison: I can't! Scott only agreed to come because Amy did…

Adam: Damn it…

Angel: Well, I wanna see Scott! Where is he?

Allison: In the limo with Amy…I think they're still making out…

Angel: (grabs nearby baseball bat.) Okay, now that bitch is gonna get it! Look out Amy, HERE I COME!

(Angel runs to the limo to beat the hell out of Amy…Adam and Allison are left alone in the room.)

Allison: So…do you wanna see my other surprise?

Adam: Oh, crap! Another one? PLEASE say it involves sexy men!

Allison: I don't think you'll be disappointed…


	11. Step 6: Show Your Stuff, part 2

Adam: Oh! Sexy men! You know how I love sexy men!

Allison: (annoyed) Yeah, I know…

Adam: So who is it? Brad Pitt? Leonardo Di Caprio? That hot delivery guy from Pizza Hut?

Allison: No, Adam. It's not Brad Pitt, Leonardo Di Caprio, or that hot delivery guy from Pizza Hut… (sighs dreamily) He has the prettiest brown eyes…

Adam: Oh, I just wanna know already! TELL ME BITCH!!!

Allison: Fine…Okay, you'll NEVER guess who I ran into at Hot Topic yesterday!

Adam: (excited) The hot Pizza Hut delivery guy?

Allison: No, I only wish… Keep guessing…

Adam: Jesse McCartney? Zac Efron? The hot Pizza Hut delivery guy?

Allison: NO, YOU DUMBASS! I DIDN'T SEE THE HOT PIZZA HUT DELIVERY GUY!!! Guess again…

Adam: Robert Pattinson? Taylor Lautner? Nick Jonas? George Lopez?

Allison: Oh, I love George Lopez! But no. I'll give you one more guess…

Adam: The Hot Pizza Hut delivery guy?

Allison: Oh, you're hopeless! Fine, I guess I'll just have to tell you…

Adam: Finally!

Allison: Tom Felton!

(Adam gasps in excitement.)

Adam: OMFG…

(Tom Felton walks in.)

Adam: OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! I'm a BIG fan of yours!

Tom: Same here. I love the show. I even voted for you a few times…

Adam: EEP!

(Angel walks in with her bat, Scott, and Amy.)

Angel: OMG! When did Tom Felton get here?

Amy: Who's Tom Felton?

(Angel and Adam gasp.)

Adam: How do you NOT know who Tom Felton is?

Angel: He played Draco Malfoy in all of the Harry Potter movies! (to Tom) Do you have Rupert Grint's phone number?

Scott: Oh come on, Angel, you know he's not going to give it to any crazed fan girl…

Angel: I AM NOT A CRAZED FAN GIRL!

(silence.)

Angel: I'm an obsessed fan girl…there's a difference…

Tom: Well, actually I don't have it…

Amy: Ugh! I can't believe we had to bring HER along! Hey, wait a sec, where's Caylee?

Adam: Katy killed her!

Scott/Amy/Tom: WHAT!?

Tom: Oh, crap… Allie? How long is this gonna take? Can we go somewhere else? I DON'T WANNA GET KILLED BY A VAMPIRE!!!

Allison: Don't worry, Tom, she's gone now…

(Katy runs in.)

Katy: Hey, can I borrow a hammer?

Tom: *screams* HIDE ME! (Jumps into Adam's arms.)

Katy: HOLY CRAP! WHEN DID TOM FELTON GET HERE?

Tom: Expecto Patronum! Oh, shit. I don't have my wand…I left it in the limo…

Scott: Why do you need a hammer?

Katy: Kris is acting up, I need to punish him, and the iron maiden disappeared…

Scott: That's so mean!

Angel: Why would you do that to Kris? He never did anything to you! He's high, give him some SPACE…

Amy: Do you need help? I'm bored…

Tom: OMG I'M SCARED OF AMY, TOO!

Allison: Amy! You bitch! You made Tom Felton scared of you!

Katy: Is he scared of you, or your face? It's actually quite ugly…

Amy: WHORE!

(Amy grabs Angel's baseball bat and runs after Katy, who runs away from Amy, screaming, and obviously forgetting that she could kill Amy because she's a vampire…)

Adam: Well that was weird…

Tom: Adam? You know what?

Adam: What?

Tom: You have nice skin!

Adam: Uh, thanks…You too?

Tom: And you hair is really shiny and soft…

Allison: Is it just me or is Tom Felton hitting on Adam?

Adam: I don't care! He can continue!

Tom: With pleasure…

Angel: OMG TOM FELTON IS GAY!!!

Allison: He seemed fine in Hot Topic the other day…*gasps* Adam? DID YOU GIVE HIM CRACK?

Adam: (lying badly) No…

Allison: Yeah, right!

Adam: Okay I did!

Tom: COOKIES!

Angel: It's official…

Allison: Hey! How do you know that yelling random things is an effect of crack?

Angel: (lying very badly) I don't randomly stalk you people…What are you talking about? STOP ACCUSING ME OF THINGS I DIDN'T DO!!!

(Amy and Caylee run past everyone chasing Katy with bats and hammers…)

Amy: COME BACK HERE BITCH!

Caylee: REVENGE WILL BE MINE!

(They all run away.)

Angel: Hey, I thought she was dead…

Allison: Me too…

Tom: I think the crack made me delusional…

(Caylee stops and walks back into the room.)

Caylee: Whoa, chasing after vampires is HARD WORK!

(Danny walks into the room wearing Adam-like clothes, eyeliner, nail polish, and earrings.)

Allison: Oh, Adam, is this your new boyfriend?

Adam: No it's Danny!

Allison: (to Danny) Oh, I have a friend named Danny, he…LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU! But without all of the goth crap…OH MY GOD, IT'S DANNY!

Angel: OMG ADAM WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!

Adam: I improved him! He's my clone!

(Caylee slaps Adam.)

Adam: Hey! What was that for?

Caylee: YOU DID NOT IMPROVE HIM!

Angel: I miss the old Danny, the sexy one!

Danny: This is NOT going to end well…


	12. Step 6: Show Your Stuff, part 3

*****Holy crap. I'm really dragging out this last step. Well it is an important one… I still have another part and the epilogue.*****

Danny: Let's just get this over with...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Everyone stares at Danny. Apparently his 'improved' screaming is a bit too much.)

Adam: TA-DA! See, Allison? I TOLD you I could improve Danny's screaming!

Scott: Holy crap…

Caylee: Well that was…

Allison: OMG…

Tom: I'm kinda scared now…

Angel: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM BASTARD!

Adam: It's better, right?

(Cricket sounds.)

Adam: RIGHT?

(More cricket sounds.)

Adam: Fuck you all…

(Kris walks in.)

Kris: Hi. I hate life.

Scott: What happened?

Kris: I need more crack. Or a knife to stab myself with…

Danny: Huh?

Allison: What happened to your super hyper-ness?

Kris: It wore off. Do you think Katy would have one?

Scott: One what?

Kris: A KNIFE DUMBASS!

Caylee: I'm confuzzled!

Tom: You can't say stuff like 'confuzzled' and expect people to understand you…

Adam: Ah, one of the many aftereffects of crack…After all the energy wears off, it turns into depression…

Caylee: So this is normal?

Adam: You think someone who smokes crack is normal?

Caylee: No! I didn't mean it like that!

Kris: Oh! Has anyone seen my razor? I've gone emo…

Angel: It should be in your underwear drawer!

Danny: And you expect us to believe that you never stalk us?

Allison: Come ON, Angel, you know we're not that stupid! (pause) Okay, maybe Adam might be on certain occasions, but still!

Kris: *sighs* I'm outta here…

Tom: Yeah, I need to get going, Adam. I'll call you, okay?

Adam: Bye, Tommykins!

(Tom Felton and Kris exit. Awkward silence.)

Scott: Hey, Angel, can I talk to you for a sec?

Angel: Sure!

Scott: I mean like, alone…

Angel: Oh.

(Scott and Angel go into the kitchen.)

Caylee: I'm gonna go check on Kris. I don't want him stabbing himself, and he'll probably be looking for his razor in his underwear drawer. And THAT is something I wanna see!

(Caylee exits. A scream is heard from the kitchen. Scott and Angel come out.)

Angel: Katy and Amy are in there!

Scott: And their murdering each other!

Angel: With knives…

Scott: HUGE knives!

(Scott and Angel go into another room. Allison, Adam, and Danny are left in the room.)

Danny: I can't believe I went through ALL of those lessons and my screaming STILL sucks!

Adam: Oh, come on! It's not bad!

Allison: Danny's right. His screaming sucks.

Adam: No it doesn't! Look, Danny, this isn't your fault…

Allison: Yeah, Adam! It's YOURS!

Adam: THANK YOU ALLISON! Now shut it bitch!

Danny: No, Adam. She's right. Maybe screaming just didn't turn out to be my…forte.

Adam: What the hell is a forte? Is it some kind of tree house or something?

Allison: It's Italian for 'strength'.

Adam: So it's a strong Italian tree house?

Danny: Oh, WHATEVER! *sighs* You know what, Adam? Thanks for all that you've done for me, but I don't want to be your clone anymore...It's just not working out.

(Adam starts to cry. Allison slaps Danny.)

Danny: Bitch! What was that for?

Allison: You made him cry, bastard!

Adam: I can't believe you're breaking up with me, Danny…

Danny: What the hell are you talking about? We were never dating!

(Adam immediately stops crying.)

Adam: Oh yeah! I forgot!

Allison: (under her breath) Dumbass…

Angel: Oh my god, Scott! You're just so sweet!

Danny: Here come the lovebirds…

(Angel and Scott walk in.)

Angel: I'm happy…

Adam: What happened?

Scott: I asked her out.

Angel: But don't worry, Danny!

Danny: Why the hell would I be…

Angel: I know we'll be together someday. That day just hasn't come yet… Be strong. And wait for me.

(Angel and Scott leave.)

Danny: Okay, it's official. I am getting a restraining order against that slut.

Allison: Well, I'll admit it. Angel IS kinda…

Danny: Oh, I don't mean Angel! I mean Scott!

Adam: Why in hell would you want a restraining order against Scott?

Danny: Because I won't rest until Angel is my girlfriend…

Adam: HOLY SHIT! YOU LIKE ANGEL!

Allison: What did she do to you?

Danny: Crack…


End file.
